Bill Gates tries to come up with a royal flush

What’s a billionaire to do? You’ve already made it. You have more money than you could ever blow unless you invested it with John Corzine. Cars, yachts, private jets, lavish vacations? Well, they were fun at first but now are old hat.

Bill must have been watching Mayor Nanny Bloomberg too much because now he’s wanting to re-invent the toilet and declare himself Nanny Gates. After all, declaring one’s self above the riff-raff and telling everyone what to do is the next logical step before becoming the ultimate, a dictator.

Microsoft co-founder turned global philanthropist Bill Gates on Tuesday launched a search for a new toilet better suited to developing countries.

The charitable foundation founded by Gates and his wife kicked off a “Reinvent the Toilet Fair” in Seattle and awarded prizes for promising innovations.

“Toilets are extremely important for public health and, when you think of it, even human dignity,” Gates said in a statement at

Yes Bill! We need the new Microsoft Toilet! Which prompts me to wonder what the hell a Microsoft toilet would do? I can imagine the following:

  1. You say “Open man – the lid and seat open.
  2. You say “Open woman – and the lid just opens with the seat down.
  3. When you sit down a screen comes out of a hidden compartment and slides in front of you so you can surf & shit.
  4. If you take too large of a dump it pops up on the screen “Warning: Hard Poop capacity has been exceeded. Please flush so it clears out the “memory.”
  5. Can be set for Auto Flush so you don’t get the warning in #4.
  6. Automatically plays Chris Matthews podcast when you sit.
  7. Special Cheryl Crow Edition only dispenses only one piece of TP per use no matter how horrendous of a dump you just took.
  8. Screen automatically prevents you from reading any right-wing stuff like Fox News and redirects you to HuffPo or CNN or MSNBC.
  9. Automatically measures, then enters you the dump of the month contest. Winner gets a free two-holer Microsoft Toilet that promotes Bill’s family values.
  10. Has two icons on the top. One for #1 (Shows a guy taking a whiz) and one for #2 (shows a guy taking a dump).
  11. When done with #1 it purifies it and recycles it into a re-useable water bottle (throw-away plastic bottles forbidden).
  12. When done doing a #2 it incinerates what’s in the bowl with a built-in flame-thrower. Warns you to get up fast or your ass will get singed before firing the flame-thrower.
  13. Standard Edition uses special TP with a Google logo on it.
  14. No built-in bidet – uses too much water. Gotta keep the ecotards happy yanno.
  15. No built-in butt blow-dryer unless you order the special Solyndra Edition that comes with a built-in solar panel and substitutes the Google Logo TP for real $100 dollar bills you can flush down the toilet like Obama and the DOE.
  16. Upgrade to the Barack Hussein Obama Edition which is gold-plated, uses Trillion Dollar Bills instead of $100’s and comes with a teleprompter when going #2 so you grunt properly. When done prompts you to say Hot Damn! Look at the size of that dump!
  17. Optional Janet Napolitano Editions that  come with the extra-wide toilet-seat option and a vibrator.
  18. Special Al Gore Inconvenient Truth Edition comes with a built-in heater so you can pretend your massive dump just caused massive global warming.
  19. Special Jihad Edition substitutes paper for 3 stones and looks like a hole in the floor. When you flush it makes an exploding sound like a car bomb.
  20. Special Nanny Bloomberg Edition checks to see if you have had any trans fats or 16 ounce Cokes in the past 24 house and yells at you if you did.

OK, Bill. So let’s just ignore the good old-fashioned outhouse that’s worked for centuries. What? They already have composting toilets and incinerator toilets? Bah! We need high-tech for 3rd world countries!

Source: Yahoo News


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3 responses to “Bill Gates tries to come up with a royal flush

  1. Outhouse shmouthouse – somebody tell Bill there’s a quick solution for places that don’t have running water: dig hole, poop, bury. And I don’t like that name you gave his new toilet: Microsoft Toilet? “Soft” is not something I like hearing about anything involving a toilet.

  2. Jerrymat

    As I understand it Bill never completed college. That’s where a lot of people get ideas they work on years later.

  3. Bill Gates is a computer genius, but does not know shit about shit.