Category Archives: Comedy Relief

Fartgate: Cow farts measured incorrectly!

OK, you know I’ve been waiting for this one. Fartgate! The malodorous scandal! Just when you thought the warmers couldn’t possibly get any nuttier, we get this one from the Daily Exchange titled “Cows’ Greenhouse Gas Emissions Measured Inaccurately, Study Finds.”

It was bad enough when we found they were trying to measure cow farts, now we find out that they measured the cow farts incorrectly. I’m still trying to get that one past my brain. For some silly reason every time I think about a scientist measuring cow farts I imagine a scientist in a white lab coat sitting on a stool behind a cow and taking in a good whiff every time the cow farts and making notes upon a chart on a clipboard.

 

Thar she blows!

 

Actually they use mathematics. Thank GOD those poor scientists don’t have to do that! It would be an udderly ridiculous job indeed!

Mathematical equations used in predicting cows’ methane emissions are inaccurate and need improvement to help dairy farmers mitigate greenhouse gas releases, says a new study by a research team including scientists from the University of Guelph.

The study, co-authored by Canadian and Dutch scientists, appears this month in the journal Global Change Biology.

But wait, it’s not just some scientist like Einstein writing long mathematical formulas on a chalkboard. It seems we have those “computer models” going again, you know, the garbage in garbage out ones where some scientists “conveniently” arrive at a conclusion and then feed in data to ensure the “computer model” arrives at that very same conclusion……

These researchers used data from studies in Canada, the Netherlands and the United Kingdom to assess how well widely used equations predicted methane production. They found that nine equations used in whole farm greenhouse gas models over- or underestimate cows’ methane emissions.

Uh oh! We even have the IPCC in on this, which should tell you the accuracy level probably sucks to say the least…..

For example, the equation currently used by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change fails to distinguish the effects of simply feeding cows more from feeding them higher-fat diets. “A higher feed intake will increase methane production. A rise in dietary fat content will decrease methane production,” said Ellis, who has begun a post-doc at Wageningen University in the Netherlands.

Well, based upon this information I’d say the proper solution is to get Rajendra Pachauri, Chair of the IPCC, give him a lab coat, and let him sit behind cows for the next few years smelling cow farts and trying to ascertain their impact upon non-existent anthropogenic global warming. It certainly couldn’t be any worse than their computer models are.

The thought makes my eyes water.

Source: Daily Exchange

1 Comment

Filed under Climate Alarmism, Climate Change, Co2 Insanity, Comedy Relief, Fartgate, Food, Global Warming, IPCC, Methane, Truth Stranger than Fiction, United Nations

Osama Bin Laden’s Top 10 Climate Change Tips

Now that Osama bin Laden may be replacing Al Gore as the head climate change whiner he has some tips for you on how to reduce your carbon footprint.

10. Live in a cave. You don’t waste valuable resources building a house. Place a Persian carpet on the floor and you’re in solid comfort.

9. Kill lots of infidels, it reduces the world population and saves green resources.

8. Keep telling the homicide bombers about them virgins. When they blow themselves up and take out 50 other people we save on using resources and reduce the population simultaneously. It also reduces the line at the grocery store so I can go shopping faster.

7. Keep letting the rumours out about alleged Al Queda attacks at tourist spots in Europe.  This keeps pollution down because everyone stays home instead of going on vacation. I can get a room easier, too, due to all the cancellations at Cannes.

6. Ride a motorcycle to jihad and save gas. They pollute less than a Toyota Prius but they’re not as comfortable. Kind of hard to bring your sheep, but we work it out.

5. Donate money to Iran to help them get the atomic bomb. This will get rid of everyone when they start World War III. There will be no one left so no one will worry about climate change. I will be safe in my cave and ready to take over in 10,000 years when the radiation dies down.

4. When shooting infidels don’t spray and pray, make every shot count. This reduces your carbon footprint because you’re saving ammunition and the resources needed to manufacture it.

3. Keep 4 or 5 wives.  This saves fuel running all over Pakistan and Afghanistan looking for dates. They also keep you warm in winter so you don’t have to turn the thermostat in the cave up at night. Fall has arrived at my camp, might be a 3 wife night. Hmmm….that might be a good name for an Arabic rock group!

2. Use “natural” fertilizer in your opium field. This reduces your global footprint because you are not shipping fertilizer to your farm. The only problem is it stinks and your opium taste kind of shitty when you smoke it.

and the number one tip is…………………………………………….

1. Make one of your wives a sheep. She won’t tell, she won’t swell, she’ll be grateful as hell. When she gets old you can shoot her, have lamb chops for dinner and use the wool to knit a sweater.

2 Comments

Filed under Climate Change, Co2 Insanity, Comedy Relief, Eco Jihad, Global Warming, Satire

Dead Polar Bear on Cornwall. UK Beach?

New species discovered in Cornwall, UK - The Polar Cow

Look down on the beach! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a Polar Bear!!!……..oops!

The presenter of ITV’s West Country breakfast bulletin informed astonished viewers that an animal more commonly spotted near the North Pole had turned up in the seaside town of Bude. Video footage showed a large, white beast lying on the shore.

“A walker in Cornwall has caught an extraordinary sight on camera. A polar bear has washed up on a beach near Bude,” an excited Miss Lloyd said. “The bear comes from the Arctic Circle and an investigation is under way as to how it could have ended up there.”

Wow a dead polar bear thousands of miles away from the Arctic found on a beach in Southern England. Must be that global warming again. It’s so hot in the Arctic they’re fleeing for Southern England.

Nope……guess again…..

Closer inspection revealed that the polar bear was, in fact, a cow. The farm animal had been bleached white by sea water.

Perhaps it’s a new species called a Polar Cow? I wonder if anyone at ITV can spell faux pas?

More CO2 Insanity.

Source: The Telegraph

Comments Off on Dead Polar Bear on Cornwall. UK Beach?

Filed under Co2 Insanity, Comedy Relief, Truth Stranger than Fiction

Hempmobile

Cheech and Chong would be proud of this one. If you remember their movie “Up in Smoke” they smuggled a van made of hemp (aka: Marijuana) across the Mexican border and into Los Angeles. When it caught on fire the results were…..ummmmm……interesting indeed.

We now have a car that may be made of hemp (aka: marijuana). I’m sure this will really be a hit in California, especially if  Proposition 19 (the Marijuana Legalization Initiative) passes. I do believe making a car from hemp may cause some global confusion.

Imagine getting up in the morning and wondering if you should drive to work or stay home and smoke your car? Imagine firefighters on the scene of a burning hempmobile. Will they put it out? Or fan the fire and inhale deeply? Would it be considered child abuse to drive your kids around in one? It may have the good effect of reducing marijuana smuggling from Mexico, but I would imagine car theft might increase dramatically. Will the California Air Resources Board outlaw driving them on spare the air days because they might catch fire and increase air pollution? (not to mention accidents). When the California Highway Patrol pulls you over in one will they cite your for speeding or illegal drug smuggling? What will they use for body and fender repairs? Will Bondo now come with hemp mixed in? Will your body and fender person apply it to your car or smoke it? Will your probation officer let you drive one if you’re on parole for drug violations?

Well, that’s some of the potential problems as I see them. This most assuredly falls into the CO2 Insanity category. I can already see all the movie stars ordering one.

(….and yes I know this is a different kind of hemp, but this was too much to pass up). In case you never heard of Cheech & Chong, below is the trailer from the movie.

Source: The Edmonton Journal

Comments Off on Hempmobile

Filed under Co2 Insanity, Comedy Relief

Global Warming Causes Dukes of Hazzard

OK this really has nothing to do with global warming but it was just too amazing not to post up on the site. Looks like the Dukes of Hazzard are alive and living (actually in critical condition) in Ohio.

What’s really amazing is evidently the guy lived!

Definite CO2 Insanity, or some kind of insanity.

If you want to read about the details and see what was left of the car click on the source link below.

Source:  Wired

Comments Off on Global Warming Causes Dukes of Hazzard

Filed under Co2 Insanity, Comedy Relief, Truth Stranger than Fiction

CO2 Insanity of the week

Here we have a good one from the Guardian.  Seems a “climate change activist” (whatever that is) glued herself to a desk in a bank claimed to be financing big oil projects. No details on what part of herself she glued, but they did get her to come unglued, which I suspicion she already was anyway.

Definitely CO2 Insanity.

Source: Guardian

Comments Off on CO2 Insanity of the week

Filed under Co2 Insanity, Comedy Relief, Global Warming, Truth Stranger than Fiction

“Sex Poodle” Investigtion Dropped

Al “Sex Poodle” Gore must be very relieved that the investigation of his alleged attempted “humpty-dumpty” with a local masseuse has been dropped due to insufficient evident.

Al was accused of trying to get fresh with her way back in 2006. Perhaps that global warming in his pants just got too hot?

There’s other accusations floating around, we’ll have to wait and see what goes on with those.

Until then, Al, I’d suggest that next time you call a masseuse you might consider applying an ice pack to your crotch to cool that global warming off before she arrives.

If you want to read all the “Gore”y details the Source: Washington Post

Comments Off on “Sex Poodle” Investigtion Dropped

Filed under Comedy Relief, Global Warming, Legal

John Kerry the New Al Gore

The new Al Gore

Wow, I’m impressed, John Kerry, the ultimate “climatologist.” Who wouldathunkit.  So what’s so impressive about the man who got shot in the ass in Vietnam? Well………that bullet may have actually hit his brain.  You won’t believe this one, but here it is courtesy of CNS News.

Speaking at a town hall-style meeting promoting climate change legislation on Thursday, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) predicted there will be “an ice-free Arctic” in “five or 10 years.”

“The arctic ice is disappearing faster than was predicted,” Kerry said. “And instead of waiting until 2030 or whenever it was to have an ice-free Arctic, we’re going to have one in five or 10 years.”

5 or 10 years? Very interesting indeed!  Are we talking Earth years? Or, perhaps years on Pluto? Even NOAA isn’t that retarded.

However, the Web site of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration says: “Using the observed 2007/2008 summer sea ice extents as a starting point, computer models predict that the Arctic could be nearly sea ice-free in summertime within 30 years.”

At least they give it 30 years. So where does Kerry get this information from?

NSNews.com called Sen. Kerry’s office on Thursday to ask for the source of the senator’s assertion that there will be “an ice-free Arctic” in five to ten years. The office directed CNSNews.com to contact Kerry press secretary Whitney Smith by email. Smith did not respond to repeated emails asking the source for Kerry’s assertion about the Arctic ice

I bet I know….it’s called a brain-fart.  Or, perhaps he OD’ed on too much Heinz 57? Want to see another one?

In his talk on Thursday, Kerry said environmental degradation is happening faster than previously anticipated

Did he mean to say mental degradation?

“The Audubon Society – not exactly, you know, an ideological entity on the right or the left or wherever in America – has reported that its members are reporting a hundred-mile swath in the United States of America where plants, shrubs, trees, flowers – things that used to grow — don’t grow any more,” Kerry said.

Oh? Where is this? No comment? I Googled it, but I don’t see any 100 mile swath in the United States.  Is this a 100 mile swath like 100 miles wide that goes from the Canadian Border to Mexico? Or, does it go from the East to West coasts? Or, is it 100 miles long and 10 inches wide? I’d like to know. Or, could he be referring to Death Valley? It’s about 100 miles long and not  much grows there.

I wonder if Murmansk will have a yacht harbor where he can park his new yacht and save $400,000 dollars like he just did by putting it in Newport, Rhode Island? Will he get a sudden urge for a masseuse or four?

Well, I for one am waiting for the announcement that Mr. Kerry will be next years recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.  I mean if they gave one to the IPCC  and Al Gore, then they should certainly give one to John Kerry, who actually makes the IPCC and AL look smart after this statement. Which actually is something I would have thought impossible, until today.

Source: CNS News

1 Comment

Filed under Co2 Insanity, Comedy Relief, Government, Science

Are We Bored With Climate Change?

Americans Bored? This guy looks like the definition or boring!

Here’s a good one. A Brit named Ian McEwan writes a book on climate change called Solar (my how original!), then blames Americans being bored with climate change as the reason the book tanked. Gotta love that ego. Moreover he gets bad reviews and blames us being bored for that, too!

Here’s something from the Telegraph about the book and McEwan.

McEwan blamed American apathy for the negative reviews afforded to Solar, his satire about global warming.

The New York Times critic dismissed Solar as one of McEwan’s “lesser efforts” while the Washington Post called it “flaccid” and advised readers to “let Solar pass and wait for his next book to eclipse it”.

McEwan, who recently returned from a North American book tour, said many Americans had a “passionate dislike” for the novel.

Let me see does “lessor efforts” and “flaccid” sound like Americans are “bored” with climate change? Or, does it sound like the book sucks? Our fault we’re bored? Or, his fault for bad writing?

“Some of [the critics] were moaning that the novel had no plot and was formless, someone else was moaning that there was way too much plot. I think, though, that I caught America in a mood of profound boredom about climate change. They just didn’t want to hear about it any more, they were sick to the teeth. I think there was a strong element of that.”

Judging by the number of hits some climate change websites get, regardless if they’re “warmer” or “skeptic” sites I’d say he not only got the book wrong, he got the reason for bad reviews and sales wrong, too. Per his statement below, evidently he isn’t really sure we’re bored either.

He added, with a laugh: “Or maybe it was no good, there was always that possibility.”

This could also be a reason we’re turned off by the book.  It perhaps hits a little to close to reality.

The main character in Solar is Michael Beard, a deeply unlikable Nobel Prize-winning physicist engaged in the battle against global warming.

Man, if that doesn’t sound like Al Gore, as they say, “I’ll eat my hat.”  As “popular” as Al is, no wonder they’re panning the book.  I mean who wants to read about a boring, untruthful,  “sex-crazed poodle” who’s carbon footprint is so large someone might think he’s the cause of global warming all by himself? Flying all over telling us not to pollute, buying large mansions. That’s what I call getting off (pardon the pun) to a bad start from the get go.

Want another reason? Well, here from the horse’s mouth” we get the following.

“I did spend a lot of time with the science, and read an enormous number of papers, and it would seem to me there’s a fairly powerful consensus. About three-quarters of the papers I read thought we had a man-made problem and there was some urgency.

“At the same time, there are some very good sceptics out there. Sceptics are completely different from ideologically-driven deniers, who have no evidence but have interests to protect. It’s a very important distinction to make. Some of my best friends are climate change sceptics. The denial camp are really not scientists at all, they are very well-funded, particularly in the States, and they have specific agendas.”

See?  We’re back to that same old “warmer” song with words like “consensus” and “urgency” (damn he forgot unprecedented and robust).

Then we get to more of the same old “warmer” song about skeptics “have no evidence but have interest to protect,” “really not scientists,” “very well-funded,” “specific agendas”

Want some more? It appears us Americans aren’t the only one’s who panned this novel.  Seems the British don’t like it either, which is another indication that someone perhaps should admit that his book sucks, or at the very least that it’s only going to be read with any interest by people like him, who are dimwitted enough to believe in anthropogenic global warming. Here is some of the review from the Guardian, a British newspaper.

Ian McEwan excels at climate science but his one-dimensional protagonist makes you shudder.

Solar is a sly, sardonic novel about a dislikable English physicist and philanderer named Michael Beard. He’s a recognisable Ian McEwan type, a one-dimensional, self-deceiving man of science.

We have met others like him before in McEwan’s novels – such as Joe Rose, the science writer who narrates Enduring Love, or Henry Perowne, the brian surgeon protagonist of Saturday – but none is quite as repulsive as Beard.

Hmmmmmm…….other than the guy being British we’re sounding an awful lot like Al Gore again. I especially like the “repulsive” part. You can read the whole review here.  I love the last paragraph, which is below.

What is absent from Solar, ultimately, are other minds, the sense that people other than Beard are present, equally alive, with something to contribute. Without them, after a while, it feels as if you are locked inside an echo chamber, listening only to the reverberations of the one same sound – the groan of a fat, selfish man in late middle age eating himself.

“Fat, selfish man in late middle age eating himself.” You have to again wonder if he used Al Gore as his model for the hero of the book.  Perhaps he should have marketed as comedy instead of fiction.

No wonder his book tanked. Apparently no one likes it (well, maybe Al Gore bought it).  I may have to read it to see if the “her0” turns into a “sex-poodle” or not.  Perhaps if he’d put some good old-fashioned porn in there he could share the Nobel Porn Price with Pachauri, who writes sex novels. I can see it now…..

“He entered the room with spaghetti sauce dripping from his chin, a portly man who looked like his eyes might pop out of his head any minute. His dark blue robe was half-open and barely covered him up. All of a sudden he flung open the robe and started humping my leg like a sex crazed poodle.”

Nah, the thought of that is even more revolting than anthropogenic global warming.  More CO2 insanity.

Source: Telegraph.co.uk

Comments Off on Are We Bored With Climate Change?

Filed under Climategate, Co2 Insanity, Comedy Relief

What are they smoking at the MET?

The MET’s latest prediction from this article in the Times is hysterical.  I have to wonder what they’re smoking.

The number of sweltering nights when the temperature in cities stays above 20C (68F) and the elderly become vulnerable to heat exhaustion will increase fivefold because of climate change, a Met Office study has found.

Looks like quilt manufacturers will soon be going out of business according to them.

Opening the windows will make no difference because the outside temperature will be too warm for the heat in homes to escape. The “urban heat island effect”, in which buildings and roads absorb heat during the day and release it at night, could result in the temperature on the hottest nights remaining above 25C.

So better get that air conditioner installed now before the price goes up.

During the 2003 heatwave, which killed 2,000 people in Britain, the hottest nights were around 20C. Daytime temperatures reached 30C for 10 days in a row, but it was the hot, airless nights that proved fatal because people were unable to cool down and recover from the stress of the daytime heat before the sun rose again.

I guess the poor British have never heard of taking a cold shower to cool off?

The Met Office study found that, by 2040, it could need to issue heatwave warnings for urban areas four times more frequently. The warning system was established after the 2003 heatwave to help people to protect those at risk, including the elderly, young children and those suffering with poor health caused by respiratory diseases.

By 2040? Wow they must have some crystal ball, or perhaps some screwy computer or perhaps some screwy scientists? Or, perhaps all of the aforementioned?

Using computer models, the researchers found that the number of very hot nights in London would increase from two to ten a year.

Uh oh!  There’s those computer models again. You know how those work? It’s called lets play plug in some silly figures and see what the silly results are and then lets scare the crap out of everyone for the 5,000th time and perhaps they may start to believe in our predictions and in global warming.

Ahh….here we go with the silly solutions for the silly problem created by the silly scientist with the silly computer model.

Vicky Pope, head of climate advice at the Met Office, said cities would need to adapt to cope with more frequent heatwaves. The amount of shade would be a key consideration and new urban developments and buildings could be painted white to reflect the sun’s radiation.

What? No giant umbrella over London?  How about one of those plastic domes and a gigantic air conditioning unit for it?

Let’s see,  the MET Office….aren’t they that wonderful bunch who said last winter in Britain would be the warmest in recorded history, then had to back off that and admit that it was the coldest winter in Britain in the past 30 years?  What about their infamous “barbeque summer” predicted just before that? What about their great prediction about the ash cloud from the Iceland volcano that shut down the airways in Europe needlessly?

How about their wonderful computer that evidently even though it cost 30 million pounds evidently isn’t much better than using an Atari game? You can read about that here.

The Met Office unveiled Britain’s most powerful super computer today, which is capable of 1,000 billion calculations every second

However, they admitted despite the £30million system being more powerful than 100,000 PCs it could still get the forecast WRONG.

Well, like the man said….”if you believe that, I have a big golden colored bridge I’ll sell you in San Francisco.” I wonder how many people at the MET would buy it?

Source: Times Online

Comments Off on What are they smoking at the MET?

Filed under Co2 Insanity, Comedy Relief, Stranger than Truth